Saturday, June 27, 2009

What an idea Sirji ?

Hmm, wanted to write about this for a long time and finally got the time today.

Circa : A month back, when the TN CM Karunanidhi announced a scheme of gifting a gold coin to the family which gives their newborn a Tamil, oops Tamizh name. Now, pop comes the question to my mind. What exactly classifies as a Tamizh name and a non-Tamizh name ?

Let's see 10 examples on what kind of names would be to get the few gms of gold!

1. Akash -- This will get a score of 1.8 on the Tamizh Scale (a patent pending scale developed by yours truly). Why so ? The TN supremo will claim its etymo from aakasam, which incidentally also means the same in Tam. Well, if Karuna decides to go against what his name implies, this name will get zero or maybe, negative, if he realizes that its origins are actually from Sanskrit.

2. Vikas -- Surely negative. No existence of any linkings to the Tamizh bashai. Of course, this scheme is not meant for those who want to Vikas in their own style (vikas meant progress if I rem my tenth standard Hindi well!)

3. Joseph/Abdul -- Woe betide the followers of Islam/Christianity if this scheme has any value. Poor chaps, they might have to make it Abduzh to even make it count to one extent. No sanskrit origins here might even infuriate the TN supremo, although he doesnt care a damn about Sanskrit. (This was just an example to prove my point and I'm not liable for any religious discrepancies arising from this post!)

4. Mayawati -- Karuna would love to take a gold coin from the family naming their newborn thus. Politically speaking, the newborn would be condemned to Upper Parts of the country, whereby developing narcissistic feelings (read : Too proud to listen to anyone, caste being no barrier here) and erecting statues which will get razed down by the next govt. In fact, Karuna might impose a Mayawati tax on her family so as to generate 1000 cr for the exchequer by the time her Maya is cast! You still interested in finding out the score on the Tamizh scale ? If so, then you're surely Mayawati!

5. Jayalalitha -- Hmm, tough one here. What does Karuna do as the Tamizh scale cant make any shit out of this name ? He uses his veto powers and shuns the name, to be condemned to the Hall of Shame. Anyone crying foul play ? Dont blame the Tamizh Scale, it's apolitical and unbiased!

6. Sonia -- Uh oh! Surely a zero on the Tamizh scale and if Karuna were to strictly follow the recommendations, he would lose out on getting cabinet seats for Maran(which incidentally is the name of a coal block in MP!)

7. Dayanidhi Maran -- Now, dayanidhi is undoubtedly un-Tamizhish but due to Sanskrit mixing(Karuna calls it polluting) with Tam, it might get a 2. Maran ? I thought I mentioned a coal block above with MP origins. Sheesh-- score == Zero!

8. Stalin -- What's that ? Russian right ? All those poor people who voted for the Dont Marry Karunanidhi party to power and hoped that naming their newborns after the CM's son might get them luck are in for bad news. Oh, Friends, Tamizhians, Countrymen, Karuna denied you your rightful gold coin, but Karuna is a noble man. Unleash the dogs of war you idiots!

9. Kannimozhi -- Finally, something which scores above 8.5! Why ?
a) It has the letters 'zh' in it in succession
b) People who have lived outside the venerable Tamizhnathu dunno how to pronounce it properly (including my Geography teacher!)
c) She's Karuna's daughter! (this is not on the basis of the Tamizh scale but coz Karuna forced me into adding an extra 0.3564 points. Ah, if only I had the power!)

10. Seshagiri -- Hmm, this will get 6.5. Why ? It sounds perfectly Tam right and sounds similar to Karuna's son (remember Azhagiri ?)? But didnt you forget, the scores seem to get tampered every now and then by the powers that be. Did I ever mention how the TN supremo prefers upliftment of masses ? And the masses apparently dont have too many Tam Brahms (ob. They are sitting peacefully in Benguluru or US of A!) So to promote populist culture, the name doesnt score above 7.

So, what kind of names should the people of Tam land give to be entitled to the 'elusive gold coin' --

Any name scoring greater than 5 on the Tamizh Scale-- which implies the following :
a) end the name with 'an' or any of the endings suggested below
b) have a 'zh' in any part of the name
c) having 'giri' at the end of the name might help sometimes
d) having 'swamy' at the end of the name is better
e) having 'samy' or 'mani' at the end of it is even better
f) start the name with a tam word for anything. It doesnt matter; it should just be of Tam origins. So, even if you start the name with the tam word for 'bullshit', you are probably the lucky owner of a BIS un-certified gold coin!

So, if my parents had ever made the mistake of settling in TN and had I been born in this year and had my parents made an even bigger mistake of being lured by the 'Gawd of all schemes', I would have probably been named Raghavan (ya, Raghav is a more northy sounding name to the ears of Corona-nidhi!). Luckily, neither of the abovementioned took place and I'm living to tell a happy tale from my keyboard!

If anyone planning to live in TN and is interested in buying the 'Tamizh Scale' in the hopes that their child will shine bright (I say, it depends on the gold quality!), can reach me by mailing to :

PS : All names involved here have no right whatsoever to sue me for using them as this post was intended for purely academic purposes!


Alva said...

nice post
but don't you think stalin would get much higher points -
after all "tamizh" is as whatever "karuna" defines it to be right ??

Mr. I said...

@ Alva :Ya, but then he doesnt want any one else to be named Stalin. He's a goddamn hypocrite as well, in case I didnt mention this in the passing :)

Vikas Shenoy said...

Wowowowow. You used my name w/o my permission. I shall tell Sonia not to give any ministry to KN's relatives.

Apart, super cool post. :-)

You forgot to analyse 'Muthu' as a prefix: Muthukrishna, muthuaakash, muthuvikas etc are more tam than they were originally! :-)

Mr. I said...

@ Vikas : You aint the only vikas i know of but I admit I used the name thinking about thy layzeeness :) (I hope my blog doesnt get censored now for not asking your permit or else, i will have to start writing in html/php :P)

I'll analyze muthu in a sequel to this post which time i hope to make it 'The Tamizh Scale(TM)' :P

Thanks for thy comments!

Mr. I said...

@Lays : I just realized that Muthu also is covered under the 'starting the name with a tam word rule" -- muthu means pearl in tam. But yes, for the trip value that Muthu carries, I'll cover it in the sequel :)

Vikas Shenoy said...

I think Pogo will kill us for fucking around with his name! :P

Rakesh said...

If names ending with 'an' score high on the Tamizh scale, people like Manmohan Singh and Jagmohan Dalmiya would come running to Kar-enna_need?-hi for their gold coins! :)

Mr. I said...

@Lays : Pogo is school senior of mine. So he'll spare me I hope :)

(Although he wasnt in school when I joined!)

Mr. I said...

@Misraji : They are already eating into the gold coins by sitting in the cabinet :) No need of karuna for them (ya, show them no mercy! manmohan seems a nice chap to me though..)

jimmy said...

1. I want the rating of my name, Pavan. I can, for the want of a higher score, get a zh in my 2nd name as Nukazha. So I am PavAN NukaZHa now

2. Abduzh, rotfl
3. Also, I want to know more about the scaling system
4. Lovely post :P

Mr. I said...

@ Jimmy : Pavan will score as much as aakash i guess but nukazha would get your dad or whomsoever it stands for more ratings :) unless you refer to yourself as Pavan Nukazha when you meet someone..

as for the technicalities, the patent is still pending and hence, all the terms and conditions have not been put up lest the the TN gov makes a TM out of it!

Boneywasawarriorwayayix said...

What about Vedanayagam, Senthil, Selvam, Panneerselvam(Eating Panneer or something??), Kalicharan etc. etc.

Well north india has its share of stupid names

Umashankar for that matter :)
Happy Singh, Lovely Singh, Lovely Professional University(I went WTF!!WTF!! on this)

Wanted to comment on this for a long time...Couldn't coz of intern :)

Mr. I said...

@Samadhi : Lovely Professional Univ was seriously ROTFLMAx!! They must have been ardent supporters of the Section 377 repealment!