Sunday, August 7, 2011

Behind the Wall - The BCCI story?

So one fine English morning, Kris Srikkanth wonders "What's wrong with these Indian batsmen? I say, in my days we used to attack the English bowlers with a cross bat and somehow managed to get the ball to the boundary. OF course, Sunny thought differently but he also thought scoring 36 runs in 60 overs would make people call him the Wall. Tcha, I thought I'll get more batsmen from TN by giving Mukund and Vijay chances. Inna pasangal la thirundada (Translation :These boys will not improve). Useless fools pa, I say".. And off he goes for his nicotine break.

The Indian cricket team, meanwhile on this fine English morning, is 'practising', in a match against the Northants. One of the spectators, a 11yr old kid asks his mother "Momma, why are they calling it a practice match? Their players are all getting out the same way. And why is Donhee not captain momma? Has he been sacked?" His mom, smoking a joint, is utterly pissed that Stuart Broad is not around as he had promised to meet her during the lunch break, to help resolve her divorce case. But her son had asked a pertinent question and she came out of her reverie "Well son, they are practising after all. How the hell do you think they get out in a perfect manner every other match. And Donhee, I suppose got his bollocks crushed by Zaa-hear Khan while offering no shot in the nets. He was trying to practise the "no-shot" shot to which he got out in the previous match. So if he aint got no balls, how the hell can he be captain!". The kid is intrigued now. "But momma, why do they want to get out so fast? Can't they practise some strokes instead?". His mom being a business graduate, responds "Well son, these chaps get paid a hell lot of money for playing a match. Why work for it when you are going to get it anyway. So when one can earn the money in 4 days, why work for 5 days!" Her son is baffled now but he doesnt realize that so are a set of 1.2 billion people in an Asian subcontinent.

By the time this English morning has transformed itself into evening, Rahul Dravid is having a chat with Kris. A certain news network overheard the dialogue and reported it as follows:

Kris : "So Rahul, what are your plans for the future?"
RSD : "You mean apart from anchoring your test team's innings in the coming matches, until Dhoni comes and screws it up?"
Kris : "Ayyo. Let's not discuss Dhoni now, shall we. I like him pa. CSK is winning the IPL. He gives my son Aniruddha a chance to bat for CSK. So I'm bound to like him and am also bound by my contract not to criticize him."
RSD : "Your contract?"
Kris : "You know, if I criticize him he wont give my son a chance. Then I cant even recommend his name for the India A-team. You see how helpless I'm?"
RSD : "Oh poor you. Just like how helpless I was when I was the 2nd highest run getter in that ODI series in South Africa but was still dropped. What to do, I'd a contract with time to abide. I couldnt get younger or go back in time after all"
Kris : "Oh yea, you are right, I say. But how if I give you a chance to play again in the ODI series coming up?"
RSD : "As what, an umpire, coz I am the only one who can stand up to the English bowlers?"
Kris : "Well the latter part is true. But as a batsman, not an umpire"
RSD : "Phew, atleast you told me that I wont be playing as an umpire as well. I thought that was the only thing I'vent done on the field in the past. You know, keeping wickets is portrayed as a hobby for me these days. And well, you dont want me getting injured if I start bowling, else you'll lose me even before the English bowlers have sweated it out in the day to get my wicket."
Kris :" Oh Rahul, I knew you would accept this offer..."
RSD : "I will, under the condition that I get to retire after the ODIs, of my own accord so that heart-attacks like these dont make a 'comeback' in my life?"
Kris : "Oh that would be so wonderful. You see, after that we'll have a series in India where our young lads can practice on home grounds and be ready for the next IPL. If they play here and get injured, you see how it affects their IPL career right?"
RSD : "Right! Good luck to your son for his IPL career. I wonder why you wanted him to get into India-A anyways, when clearly IPL is more important than Test matches. And with his technique (or lack of it, within his head), and you around, he's bound to succeed"

And we end the day with a cup of tea. Earl gray please. On to Edgbaston, shall we?