What an idea Sirji ?

Hmm, wanted to write about this for a long time and finally got the time today.

Circa : A month back, when the TN CM Karunanidhi announced a scheme of gifting a gold coin to the family which gives their newborn a Tamil, oops Tamizh name. Now, pop comes the question to my mind. What exactly classifies as a Tamizh name and a non-Tamizh name ?

Let's see 10 examples on what kind of names would be ...er..lucky to get the few gms of gold!

1. Akash -- This will get a score of 1.8 on the Tamizh Scale (a patent pending scale developed by yours truly). Why so ? The TN supremo will claim its etymo from aakasam, which incidentally also means the same in Tam. Well, if Karuna decides to go against what his name implies, this name will get zero or maybe, negative, if he realizes that its origins are actually from Sanskrit.

2. Vikas -- Surely negative. No existence of any linkings to the Tamizh bashai. Of course, this scheme is not meant for those who want to Vikas in their own style (vikas meant progress if I rem my tenth standard Hindi well!)

3. Joseph/Abdul -- Woe betide the followers of Islam/Christianity if this scheme has any value. Poor chaps, they might have to make it Abduzh to even make it count to one extent. No sanskrit origins here might even infuriate the TN supremo, although he doesnt care a damn about Sanskrit. (This was just an example to prove my point and I'm not liable for any religious discrepancies arising from this post!)

4. Mayawati -- Karuna would love to take a gold coin from the family naming their newborn thus. Politically speaking, the newborn would be condemned to Upper Parts of the country, whereby developing narcissistic feelings (read : Too proud to listen to anyone, caste being no barrier here) and erecting statues which will get razed down by the next govt. In fact, Karuna might impose a Mayawati tax on her family so as to generate 1000 cr for the exchequer by the time her Maya is cast! You still interested in finding out the score on the Tamizh scale ? If so, then you're surely Mayawati!

5. Jayalalitha -- Hmm, tough one here. What does Karuna do as the Tamizh scale cant make any shit out of this name ? He uses his veto powers and shuns the name, to be condemned to the Hall of Shame. Anyone crying foul play ? Dont blame the Tamizh Scale, it's apolitical and unbiased!

6. Sonia -- Uh oh! Surely a zero on the Tamizh scale and if Karuna were to strictly follow the recommendations, he would lose out on getting cabinet seats for Maran(which incidentally is the name of a coal block in MP!)

7. Dayanidhi Maran -- Now, dayanidhi is undoubtedly un-Tamizhish but due to Sanskrit mixing(Karuna calls it polluting) with Tam, it might get a 2. Maran ? I thought I mentioned a coal block above with MP origins. Sheesh-- score == Zero!

8. Stalin -- What's that ? Russian right ? All those poor people who voted for the Dont Marry Karunanidhi party to power and hoped that naming their newborns after the CM's son might get them luck are in for bad news. Oh, Friends, Tamizhians, Countrymen, Karuna denied you your rightful gold coin, but Karuna is a noble man. Unleash the dogs of war you idiots!

9. Kannimozhi -- Finally, something which scores above 8.5! Why ?
a) It has the letters 'zh' in it in succession
b) People who have lived outside the venerable Tamizhnathu dunno how to pronounce it properly (including my Geography teacher!)
c) She's Karuna's daughter! (this is not on the basis of the Tamizh scale but coz Karuna forced me into adding an extra 0.3564 points. Ah, if only I had the power!)

10. Seshagiri -- Hmm, this will get 6.5. Why ? It sounds perfectly Tam right and sounds similar to Karuna's son (remember Azhagiri ?)? But didnt you forget, the scores seem to get tampered every now and then by the powers that be. Did I ever mention how the TN supremo prefers upliftment of masses ? And the masses apparently dont have too many Tam Brahms (ob. They are sitting peacefully in Benguluru or US of A!) So to promote populist culture, the name doesnt score above 7.

So, what kind of names should the people of Tam land give to be entitled to the 'elusive gold coin' --

Any name scoring greater than 5 on the Tamizh Scale-- which implies the following :
a) end the name with 'an' or any of the endings suggested below
b) have a 'zh' in any part of the name
c) having 'giri' at the end of the name might help sometimes
d) having 'swamy' at the end of the name is better
e) having 'samy' or 'mani' at the end of it is even better
f) start the name with a tam word for anything. It doesnt matter; it should just be of Tam origins. So, even if you start the name with the tam word for 'bullshit', you are probably the lucky owner of a BIS un-certified gold coin!

So, if my parents had ever made the mistake of settling in TN and had I been born in this year and had my parents made an even bigger mistake of being lured by the 'Gawd of all schemes', I would have probably been named Raghavan (ya, Raghav is a more northy sounding name to the ears of Corona-nidhi!). Luckily, neither of the abovementioned took place and I'm living to tell a happy tale from my keyboard!

If anyone planning to live in TN and is interested in buying the 'Tamizh Scale' in the hopes that their child will shine bright (I say, it depends on the gold quality!), can reach me by mailing to : noqueriesentertained@tamizhscale.co.fu)

PS : All names involved here have no right whatsoever to sue me for using them as this post was intended for purely academic purposes!

A.I.R. An Insipid Ranting

This post is dedicated to...none, after all I haven't achieved anything so great that can be deemed worth dedicating to someone, unless you can count my PJs into consideration which are fit enough, according to me, for global domination. Didn't get it huh ? Well, the PJs will drive the people mad and hopefully, I'll let them loose when Mars is habitable enough and people also have enough money to travel to Mars. Due to this 'proper' timing, these 'mad' people will run off to Mars and Earth will be left to my mercy and hence, Global Domination.

Now, enough of my PJs ( I agree, too much of something good can also drive people insane). This post is an attempt to explain subtly some of the common acronyms used in our everyday life. Hope you find it entertaining enough. Even if you don't, please do comment; not because you'll most probably feature in my next post, but I'll at least know how jobless you could have been reading other useless blogs.

The order need not be alphabetically correct, but how these names pop-up as soon as I think of them :

1. A.I.R. --> Commonly known to people as All India Radio or All India Rank (for those nervous students awaiting their entrance results). My full-form will read as .... Apple's Intellibulos Result. Usage : " Macbook A.I.R. is the thinnest laptop in the world". I am simply short of words for describing AIR, it's truly le-gen-dary.

2. J.E.E. --> Joint Effort Examination (well, I dont take credits for these but one of the best profs to have taught me). Now, junta dont think that I'm getting too much into the exam mood, but it's results time everywhere now and hence, the words coming in my mind.

3. I.P.L. --> Indian Publicity Lounge..I guess this could sum-up a part of the recently concluded IPL, apart from the entertainment it provided and mirch-masala as well (Remember Charu Sharma and Mallya ?? ). Thus, providing publicity for a good one month. Thanks to it, even my 8 year old neighbour now knows about DLF.

4. B.I.T.S. --> Well, in normal parlance, it would refer to a reputed technical institute situated in a desert. Here, it means, "Bhai, Isey Tera Samajh"--used when it's time to pay the bill and you point it towards your 'friend'. No hard feelings meant here, but generally wanted to 'deng' BITS.

5. B.C.C.I. --> I'm not referring to our money-making Board of Corrupt Controls in India, but to these :- Booze,Cigar(ettes),Cocaine,more IITS --> the four things I feel we can do without on the path of progress. Well, the first three are easily understood. The last part refers to the intake of students from the recently concluded IIT-JEE into 3 new institutes. The sorry part is that they do not have sufficient faculty to teach them basic subjects at these institutes. Although, a sufficient amount of work inside IITs is a self-study exercise but that doesn't mean we can do away with teachers. But unfortunately, the government doesn't seem to understand the issue (I dunno what the Education,HRD ministers are upto apart from counting their votes for the next election). This seriously gives me the urge to publicly molest those idiots with the whole world watching. Oh sorry, I won't do that...it'll garner them more sympathy votes and they'll continue making even more stupid decisions to ruin lives of innocent people.

6. N.A.S.A. --> Nagarjuna's Association of Stupid Actresses ..ref :his comments on the only actresses he would work with. To find more, read this post till the end.

7. P.C.B. --> not the printed circuit board or Pakistan Cricket Board---it's Pagal Coke Bureau. Recently inducted members include Mohd. Asif who carries his membership proof in his wallet. Can also be called Publicity Coke Bureau..this Coke I mention can be used by yourself and travel to the nearest airport/immigration point and lo ! next day your photo will be definitely found in the headlines. Make sure to smile properly in them; you see the first impression should always be good to keep it lasting long.

Now 7 is a magically powerful number and hence, I am unable to continue further. But I shall definitely keep you posted on similar and better acronyms.

And for those who were searching for the references to my comments on N.A.S.A., let me put it in clear words --It was a rumour (but it probably was true..)Anyways Go Ogle at the actresses whom he has wanted to act/has acted with, if you wanna be even more jobless or else, a better option would be to read my other blog posts.

Moronic Verses

The stage was set in the Caesarian era. To prevent any misunderstandings, although Caesarians do occur even today, the time zone in the Space Time Continuum being referred to is the Caesarian era of Caesar (Julius/Octavius and the like). The exact time was never known since the manuscript on which the following conversation was recorded, was written in aCarbon2 ink and paper . Don’t ask me how, but I guess a suitable answer would be ‘Caesar said so’. Without further delay let the characters be introduced. First up is Monstaradius1, the world renowned astrologer/ practitioner /soothsayer (and in some circles, even a bluffer). If you haven’t heard of him, then you aren’t of Caesarian origin. If you have, then you’re surely bluffing. But yes he was the guy who told Caesar to be wary of the Ides of March and that’s probably why he’s world famous. Next is Einsteinisntagenius, the scholar who thought way ahead of his time, but could not see as far as Monstaradius and to complete the triumvirate, there was Bushius, the local simpleton who always though he owned the world and that he had every right to invade everything in his vicinity, including Caesar’s bathroom, in search of chemicals of Moss destruction but was pardoned since he was an idiot. And this is how they talked the talk:
M: I doth see dark times ahead for mankind,
but there’s so much light that maketh me blind,
E: So what do you see ,thy ghouliness?
M: I don’t see much, since I told thou that I was blinded. But yes, I did see something. Footprints!
B: You mean Footprints in the sands of time?
M: Thou shalt not insult my profession Bushius. These footprints are way ahead in time.
E: You mean Carbon2 footprints?
M: Aye, aye! And there are loads of those out there. These lead me to the place where I saw the blinding light. I think they lead to Armageddon.
B: And what do you see after that, my fellow countryman?
M: Thou art increasing my anger Bushius. Beware. I have told you that the light was blinding me and I couldn’t see.
B: Aye. But for zeus’ sake will someone tell what do these carbon footprints mean and how they lead to this place called Arma-the-gun?
E: Why doth thou have an obsession with guns, Bushius? Anyway, “Carbon footprints” is going to be defined as the measure of impact of human activities in terms of the amount of greenhouse gases produced, therefore increasing global warming
M: Precisement.
B: Well, but why the Erebus will they call it footprints when everything is... well, so abstract?
M: Remember that what we speaketh of is way ahead in time. So probably it would make sense to them and not to us.
E: Well. According to my improbability-fartistic calculations, less than 0.0I per C will understand what it means then. So they could remain abstract even then.
B: Okay, forget the abstract part. What art those greenhouse gases and how do they increase global warming? I mean, is it related to some human activities because of which lots of gases are emitted?
E: Well, yes, but...not in the way you see it Bushius. Now that you talk of it, I shalt get back to you, regarding how green thise gases you talketh about are.
B: Okay, you mean to say that what future lineage is going to do is going to make this world a hotter place to live in? Cool mate .
E: Now, why doth thou say that it’s cool when it’s going to get extremely warm out there?
B: It’ll atleast help us to get our water baths get warmer quickly and wow, I love water baths.
M: Bushius, remember that life isn’t just about water baths. There are also other things in life top worry about.
B: Like what?
M: Well, I knoweth not. But I see this in the future that people will face lots of problems.
E: Now, statistically speaking, that will be true.
M: Yes, even more so because a guy called Al Gore/El Gore/El Bore or some whore gets a prize for pointing this out.
E: You mean the El Bore guy gets a laurel wreath for just pointing this out?
M: Yes and also got applauded for pointing out that one Ms.Porky Hicton’s* semi-nudity was also adding to the warming of the earth.
B: Wow, I wish that I would be alive then to watch her. But coming to talk the serious talk, how can we cut down on this hot affair?
E: Plant trees.
B: But we doth have loads of them.
M: Aye, but they won’t have the same canopy Bushius.
B: Ok, we do plant trees. But how, when, where and why?
E: Well, how is very easy and hence I won’t answer it. When? Whenever thou doth feeleth unhappy about the situation or you maketh mankind unhappy. Where? Obviously where there is no tree and why? Because according to me, they stop these greenhouse gases from going out; I don’t know why but probably since they’ll be green, the gases will be taken up by the trees.
M: Now, isn’t that cool?
B: OH, I think I got the idea. So whenever I see that El Bore upset and orating about the Helitonising3 of earth, I, or rather, my lineage should plant a tree. Whenever I go on a chariot to a palaestra## or my successors go on a chariot driven by the burning of wood# and someone shouts about it, I’ll slap him and yes, plant a tree.
M: Yes. Trees are our only hope, apart from the boy with the lightning scar and a wand (again made of wood!)
B: So, now that we doth know the plan, why not form a Humanity4 to solve this problem?

A FEW DAYS LATER:
B: I being the leader, propose to stand on the pulpit and speak:”Friends, Romans, War-mongers. I come to you not to speak about global warming, since it’s already a hot topic for discussion. I come to seek your support to eliminate it. There’s only one possible solution to this. We, our Humanity, have been looking deeply into this matter, in a very deep way. And the problem, we have found out, lies in Nature. We need Nature to cooperate with us. If not, we will make Nature cooperate with us...
The remaining part of the speech was drowned in applause by the fickle-minded Romans. The rest, as they say, is History.

*-->Name changed to protect identity
1--> Monstaradius saw that in the future, he would be reborn as Nostradamus and become very famous. So, he made his name from an anagram of ‘I, Nostradamus’.
2--> Carbon : This was named after the Roman God Of Non-Existence, whose probability of existing tends to zero.
3-->Helitonising: tons of Helios-> tons of suns warming up the earth. Also, due to the degradation of hearing, in future years, came to be associated with one Ms. Hilton, who was also related to the word ‘hot’ in some way.
4-->Humanity : comes from a mix of hum (the humming sound) and unity when the Romans realized that all that happens in a committee is the same, why not shorten the name and make it look more humble and broad.
#-->proof that the secret of engine powered vehicles was already known to them but they were lazy to make such a thing.
##-->gym in olden, golden words

The Holy(i) S**t

Well, finally a post due to maajar cribbing by one of my friends who persuaded me to blog and this one is just to temporarily stop his cribbing. This was my entry to TFE but dunno if it got published. All characters in this post are not fictitious and bear full resemblance to whomsoever referred to except the Holy C.




Note : This is an unbiased, carefully scrutinized opinion written by the Holy Monitoring Committee(HMC)1 urging people to read it for pleasure and not for criticism.

Well, the dreaded day had come for people to get drenched(you see, there are residents who got without a bath for a week and almost have hydro-phobia) and coloured; so much so that they would be in the pink of their lives, happily enjoying some drinks (they called it bhaang, but I guess there may as well be some amount of the hydroxyl group in it). The fact that surprises me is that there were seniors coming and knocking on our doors even before the alarm clock began to buzz, that too on a Saturday while on most of the working days , they would have been happily dozing of in their beds, clutching their pillows as though it were a you-know-what CD being confiscated by the warden(nothing of this sort has been reported yet, but keep your fingers crossed!).
For the first time after the “ ragging period ”,(sorry seniors, I couldn’t find a softer synonym), there were junta coming out of their rooms,(frequently to events ,that is) , asking students about their problems, interests, asking first years to interact with them more (but not to come too close either) and of course, enlighten them about the article of Universal Suffrage as stated in our Constitution. You could as well say, for the first time in many months were they asking us about our pains( not the ‘intro’ ones) and shortcomings and how they could apparently rectify them.
Coming back to the point of ‘Holi S**t’, let us look into the matter, being very fair to the students (though they may not be so fair after enjoying a great show of Rang de/le Basanti ), who after all need some change of air and some entertainment, other than their usual dose of watching the other descendants of our ancestors playing around with “their” clothes and hopping around cleaning the dustbins (probably a part of their NSS programme) .
First and foremost, in a country ,state, insti and hostel, where dihydrogen monoxide is considered very precious, there were many volunteers# filling up a so-called pond with water (which apparently had an infinitesimal leak so that the volunteers could do more work on Holi-days) , so that the junta can come and clean the Holi-S**t off their body or someone else’s body. But a careful observer* noticed that there were small amphibians who were having the time of their lives thinking we were doing some pro-bono job, happily swimming around and trying to escape the sun’s heat (now, isn’t that escapist attitude ? ) ; and this careful observer informed his seniors and Soc-sec about how he didn’t want his Holi-S**t to be cleaned by the Frog-waters House Coopers (the observer got his due when he was thrown into the pond and was later molested to the core !).
So the Soc-sec using his Fluid-mech fundaes , tried his best to allure the frog into a bucket (he resorted to FM only because , unfortunately, he couldn’t find a kind of its opposite sex due to the disappointing ratio of females to males in the insti). All said and done, the frogs and leeches were out and the buckets were in. Now if we estimate the amount of universal solvent used up in filling the “pond”, let’s assume each bucket’s capacity to be about 20 litres and since the volunteers were pretty lethargic fellows, they would fill up the buckets only up till the halfway mark in the first half of their session(where only two seniors were after them) and fill them upto 90% of the capacity in the second half with more seniors chasing them( sounds liked the effort of the English football team trailing 1-0 ) . So, in the first half since there were only 8 volunteers, they must have emptied their buckets five times(max) into the pond, that capacity comes out to be about 400 liters (do the math yourself and if there is any error of + δ ,please do not crib coz no value is reported perfectly). In the 2nd half, the no. of volunteers doubled to 16 and now two chains were formed from the bathrooms to the pond ( at last intelligence dawned on our seniors, who were initially too skeptical about accepting ideas of volunteers, coz they were supposed to know more being the co-ords). Now as I said , 90% of the buckets were filled up and there were 16 people, it was observed (once again by our careful observer) that every volunteer , if he had emptied the bucket alone, would have, on an average, emptied them at least thrice, which comes upto roughly around 860-odd litres. And add to the above mentioned values, there was a pipe connected to the pond as well, with water flowing in it at a decent speed to reduce the workload of the vols a bit( you see, the co-ords are also kind people who don’t want to pain their vols a lot) . From rough calculations (don’t ask how it is calculated as it is as tricky as the Duckworth-Lewis system), it was estimated that it would have added upto another 350-400 litres. Summing them up, we get a total of about 1600 ltrs (Holy S**t! That’s about 90 people taking baths). And since all the calculations have been done keeping the minimum limit, imagine the citizens (or NRI’s) of the future not practicing what they preach by the method of IP’s on bogs about saving WATER.

Another serious aspect is the affect of colours on people allergic to them (like our careful observer) who were d-ragged out of their rooms (probably a practice for the tug-of-war that was to be held later on that day!) and were asked to participate in it as though they were winning some LitSoc points for their hostel, by showing how colourful their characters were to the other hostels. Mind you, this is not written by a critic of Holi, as one of the members of the HMC also used to enjoy it a lot until 6 yrs ago, but unfortunately a bout of di****ria left him low and the doctors advised him to stay away from it to prevent a repeat of it, for otherwise he would sink even lower under the weight of this liquid, which contained no paint, only added colours and a whole lot of God-knows-what.

These were the only two aspects touched by the HMC as they thought the rest of the day was a peaceful, colourful and Holi(y) affair; as also one of the few times where the volunteers could rub shoulders with their co-ords/seniors and have a dig at them (there were quite a lot of Digs, anyway) and pull their legs, literally and figuratively. (The HMC also thought of discussing the idea of playing music in a 2-in-1 on the PA system but packed it since it would be too noisy an affair).

So, all in all, as they say all’s well that ends well, the HMC thought of scrapping the two aspects they thought were serious enough, as long as there was enough Holy-water to clean the Holi S**t off their bodies that day and the next day (you see, the profs wouldn’t be pleased to see the colourful side of their students who were expected to sincerely solve tutorials over the weekend).

Well, that’s all folks….Hope you enjoyed your Holi-day!



# Volunteers:- They were freshies forced to do voluntary jobs.

* Careful Observer: - was not the common man, but one of the HMC members himself.

Holy C --> short for Holy(i) Committee

1 HMC:- don’t confuse it with HM Cauvery. Its members consisted of me, me and me myself.